A Middle Child stays in the Middle

I'm always caught in the crossfire, in the middle no matter where...
On my soccer team, I tend to be quieter because I cannot relate to them. Not to sound full of myself, I am smarter and not as into my appearance.
Amongst my friends, who are brillant, I tend to be louder like a fool. I am not as smart as them and feel ashamed to be into my appearance at all.

My athletic friends are into brand names and the newest trends, and I do get looked down upon for shopping at lower stores.
My smart friends are so NOT into brand names. They wear tee-shirts and jeans everyday, and I do get looked down upon for shopping at those higher stores. They think I am so into my appearance, like that is all I do.

So where do I fit into this? Personally, I don't care wear I am, if I like an article of clothing, and it is either on sale or a good price, I buy it! From Wal-mart to Anthrpologie, it really doesn't matter to me. But I do get a thrill from finding something on sale, and final sale.

My smart friend and I have been looking at prom dresses. I tried one on in a store, so she bought hers, I then won a free prom dress, and she exchanges hers for a dress $100 cheaper. I feel like whenever I talk to her, it is always a contest! And she always wants to win! And today when she told me about returning her dress she said that she was 'worried that I would yell at her, for buying a cheap dress. Because I am really into those brand name expensive dresses." And I take offense to that. But I saw her face when I told her about my prize; she had lost. I got my dress for cheaper (for free) so she had to justify the situation in a way that she would come out victorious.

Before gym class, she change. I found a nickel one day and kept it in my shoe for the entire period. And she was jealous! I somehow in her mind, had won. Then when we went back to change, I dumped my shoe upside down to get the nickel out of it. It fell to the floor and she jumped on it! She picked it up and said "I got it, I got it" and she shoved it in my face. Because in the end, she had won.

I'm an athlete so yes, I am competitive but I do not always want to win. I have been playing soccer since I was four years old, so yes I have some skill. In gym class when we were playing soccer she was soooooo aggressive against me, so that she could win. But in the end, I did knock her on her butt a couple times.

I don't know why, but our lives are ALWAYS competitive and in a passive aggressive way. And I'm tired of it. Many times when we were younger, she would tell me lies, that I knew weren't true. And then when I would call her out on them, she would say no I said this, you must have forgot or heard wrong...and played me as the dummy, as me as the fool. And I would just always take it. I'm an easygoing person, somethings just aren't that important to me. But after awhile, it gets to you; and you got to say STOP!

In our eighth grade graduation photo together, she was standing on her tippy toes and stretching her neck up, so she could be as tall as me (or closer to it, since I am four inches taller than her).

If I buy someting expensive, hers is better because she got it for cheap. If I get something at a moderate price, I find out that she got a Gucci bag for Christmas.

Three years ago I showed her these shoes that I liked online, she then told me that she bought them offline and that they were being shipped to her cousins's house. When I ask her if I can see them (because I wanted to see them on her) she then told me that her cousin hadn't given them to her, but has kept them to herself. In the end, I am pretty sure she jus made up the whole story.

When I won the prom dress, I told her by showing her the printout of the e-mail because I knew if something went wrong, and I didn't get the dress, that she would accuse me of never actually winning it. And I'm sure glad I did because it has been three weeks, one week after they actually sent the dress out.

But again, being in the middle. I had on a new necklace and a friend came up to me (a friend who only shops at expensive stores) asks me where I got it. I said JCPennys, and that since my sister works there I got it for 10% off.
She then in return sarcastically said oh wow, 10%

It seems like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am quiet and shy around some, and loud and abnoxious around others. I just don't know!

I guess maybe that is why I often hang out with my family. Because I act totally me, and at ease around them. I am funny, and witty ( I don't act dumb) I speak freely and am just myself...my true self.

Midterms!

Midterms start this Wednesday! YIKES!
But let's talk about something on a happier note. In an hour the Jets and Steelers will play and whoever wins that game will play the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl! And I am soooo excited! I love the super bowl, and then after that will be Mardi Gras and then Lent and then Track, Spring Break, Easter, Track Ending, Finals and GRADUATION!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYY!! I can't wait!!!!

Hope all is well and unstressful!
-Kathleen

Midterms

So in two weeks I will be taking my midterms, the last midterms of my high school career. But this is no time to be sentimental...I have work to do. For a week straight I will have to take a two hour test for each one of my subjects.
This time of year usually gets pretty stressful for me because I have to get in shape for spring track, I am not getting enough sunlight, and I have to study everything I learned this year.
And unfortunately, just because I'm a Senior does not mean they get easier. However, if I get straight A's in a class and get a A on the midterm, I will not have to take the final...and I want to do this so badly.
So for the next two-three weeks, I will have no life. But hopefully it will pay off in the end? That education is the "smarter" route?
But studying for midterms are hard because teachers are still giving regular tests up to the day before...and you have to pass those too.

So farewell blogger and facebook, e-mail and my cellphone
I will see you in Feburary.

On a happier note I got into my sixth college today! Six for six.
I got into every college I applied to. Which is a big confidence booster.

Happy January and Feburary
-Kathleen

Bread Givers Is So Sad

I am reading "Bread Givers" by Anzia Yezierska
Now this is a story about a poor immigrant family from Russia who has moved to America (1910) in hopes of a better life. They are poor and have little to eat, their clothes are ratty and the father depends on his four daughters and wife to work and bring in money, and he always gets the best food...but for me the saddest part of the novel is romance.

The eldest daughter Bessie is bounder age "old maid" she is nearing her 30s
she found a good hardworking man but to her father he was not good enough!
But the main reason why the father did not let her go was best she makes the highest wages! And he was too selfish to let her get married, he said no to her marriage because her boy friend refused to support the father.

Then the second daughter finds a rich piano playing man. But the father does not like him because he plays the piano on the Sabbath. His father then makes him stay away from her because her family was poor. She cried and cried. But when they reconnect her father turns him out and makes her choose between her father and her boyfriend, she chooses her father.

The third daughter was deeply inlove with a poor poet. They would write love letters back and forth to each other and felt that together they would be truly happly. But his poverty was all the father had to hear and he turned him out.

The father boasted about how he could get his daughters married so quickly he had no time to think about their happiness. The first man was for his second daughter, he was going to leave his eldest to become an old maid because she brought in good wages. He found a diamond seller and got her married off. But it turned out that he was a liar! He did not own the diamonds, he merely worked in the store and got fired for letting the second daughter wear them. She went hungary many nights before she came home for something to eat. But did the father take responcability? NO! He blamed the daughter telling her it was her fault that she did not see the flaw in his character, that she had to "sleep in the bed that she made."

He found a coats and furs salesman for the third daughter. She married him quickly just to get out of the house. She told her eldest sister of how she would always love her poet and that she only accepted the gifts from the coats and furs salesman to fill the void. She moved across the country. But she wrote home telling her parents that he was a gambler. But the father refused to let her come home because it would look bad in front of the neighbors. That "no one would believe that you left him, they would think he kicked her out." It was her fault that she didn't see the faults in him and that since she was six months older she was six months less pretty and less attractive to men, and that she was too far gone to find another husband. "She must sleep in the bed that she made."

This was about the time that I began to cry. I am a big sap for romance and I just cannot imagine how heartless a father could be! How could be not let his daughters marry the men they loved? Instead he found fake husbands for them, now they would be miserable for the rest of their lives! And on top of it, instead of taking the blame himself, he blamed in on them!!

AND!! He won't let the eldest daughter get married because he wants her to continue to support him. She can only get married to a man that is willinging to support his own familly and her father.

This is no doubt the sadness book I have ever read on heartbreak.

-Kathleen

Christmas

Merry Christmas!

(above) This is the famous tree in Rockfeller Square in New York

(below) Here is our fraser fur Christmas Tree! We finally got it! And I love it! Now it finally feels like Christmas. We used white LED lights and a white fake snow.

(below) Here is the angel on the top of our tree. We always use an angel instead of a star because it looks like she is looking down at you and protecting the tree and the presents.

Making cookies is fun to do in the kitchen. But I ate them all.

I will post again after Christmas.

Enjoy your holiday if you do or do not celebrate Christmas.

But for those who do...

Merry Christmas!!

-kathleen

Radio City Rocketts

I saw the Radio City Rockettes Christmas Show!

It was fantastic! New York was cold! But the decorations and the experience were great!

-Kathleen