For the love of the game?

I have played soccer since I was four years old. When in 3rd grade I switched from Rec to Travel Soccer and played with (pretty much) the same fifteen girls for six years. My dad was my coach, and he tried to be fair by giving all the girls the same amount of playing time.

When I entered sixth grade, which is the middle school for my town I tried out for the school team-and made it. It had been the first time I played for a coach who was not my father, and we practiced everyday.....which for me was very surprising.
But I noticed something that my travel team didn't have...older girls and cattiness. I guess I was just an annoying little girl to them, (I was really innocent) and they didn't really like me. I tried talking to them, but I would often get back a snide remark or a hint to brush off. The games were also a lot harder and I became really really nervous; I was nervous to play in the games because if I made a mistake the other girls would say something. And everything they said shank in, shank in real deep. So my playing started to lack, and me and the other two younger girls would sit on the sidelines and be lucky if we played five minutes at the end. There were a couple games when I was never put in.
This new world was a giant slap in the face for me. The coach's desire to win was so much different than my dad's and I became really quiet and deeply hurt by everything the girls said and did against me. A deep sigh, a 'you got to get there next time' it all hurt.
I remember the first game I played, the coach put me in, and when I couldn't get to the ball in time, it went out of bounds. 'That's ok Kathleen,' is what my coach said but a girl from eighth grade jogged over to me, and said 'you have to get that.' This was the first time I realized that no matter what I did, any and every mistake I made would be held against me.
Every year it got better, until I was an eighth grader one of the old girls and one of the better players. I was actually voted to be a captain along with the other two girls who also played all three years with me.
But.....my one friend decided to play that year, and the other girls didn't like her. There was nothing I could do about it and I was torn between respect from them and keeping my friendship. I somehow did both. But she wanted to play goalie....she thought she could play goalie...and she sucked real bad. Now I know that it was never the goalie's fault, but she made us loss the game..and the girls were of course ruthless.
Also, I had worked so hard those past three years, gone through the practices, the rain, the pain of running and of being unliked......finally FINALLY I could sit in the back of the bus. Especially because I was a captain, but my one friend who was the goalie had an issue of sitting in the back. For some reason it made her claustrophobic, and of course she asked me to sit with her since she would be all alone in the front...so I did. But I hated it every time. I felt like it was finally my turn to be 'one of the girls' and my friend was taking it away from me. Taking away my chance to sit in the back. The girls of course labeled my friend as weird for sitting in the front, why is she sitting up there? They would wonder, I thought that maybe I could escape their ridicule, but I probably too was labeled as weird.

So I ask why, why do people have to be this mean? And to cause so much hurt and pain when it is unneeded? Why do people have to be so cruel? Why aren't we more patient and kind? Don't people know what we say and do can cause scars that never heal? And that it changes victims from innocent human beings to people who wish ill of others? I have never hated anyone more than a person who is mean.
In my experience of middle school and high school soccer
I have changed to a colder, uncaring person. Because well, when I was caring....it didn't matter to them, they picked on me anyways. And also what did I ever do to them? To desire that kind of treatment? Yes I was just an innocent little girl why did you have to break me down?

Now as a Senior in High School, I thought in would be like eighth grade. Me being a 'top dog' but it is not so. The Juniors this year are really catty and pick on everyone and talk about everyone, even about themselves. As soon as one of them leaves, she gets talked about. Now I have befriended an extremely annoying, immature, weird, different, sophomore. But I do not hate her like they do, I do not pick on her like they do. I try to be patient and a friend (because can't we all just use a friend sometimes).
But now me and two other girls who are often partners with her for drills are receiving the same kind of treatment and ridicule. Just for associating with her. And I hate it.
First of all, how can this younger girls justify themselves? How dare they pick on someone who is older than them? I would never dream of doing something so hanous.
Second of all, I have worked so hard to be where I am right now, have waited so long for the older girls to graduate. But now this sophomore and her weirdness is going to screw everything up. And it is so unenjoyable for me. I do not know why I ever go back to play. For the love of soccer? Is my love that strong?
But this treatment makes my now hard skin even harder.
Being proud of who you are is fine, being different is fine
but being so freaking weird and immature is absolutely ridiculous.
I always try not to be weird for my friends, so that they would never be embarrassed to hang out with me.
I feel like she should do the same, or at least try. Doesn't she see that no one likes her? And that her strangeness is pushing everyone away, and making hell for the people who are trying to be nice to her?

-A disillusioned Kathleen

Time Capsule for 13 years from now

Dear Kathleen of 30 years,
I do not know how the decisions I make today will effect my tomorrow. It is August right now, and soccer has just started. I need to finish my summer reading books and start on my Girl Scout Gold Award, and I can already feel the pressure for school starting....
In a couple months I will have to apply to colleges, and with that pick out a major I want to pursue. Dad has already warned me that he will not pay for me to go to college as an undecided...if I do it is MCC for me. And also I would like to go somewhere else besides Rutgers.......
I am stuck between Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy. As you probably know Kathleen, Physical Therapists make more money, have to get a doctorate, (and in my opinion) do more for a patient such as helping them walk. However it is Occupational Therapy I have chosen to go for and I shall list my reasons. If you are, please do not be mad at me 30 year-old Kathleen, I am only a young adult trying to figure out the rest of my life. Do not think, 'why didn't I push myself and try for the harder major?' For I have thought this over many times. I understand both majors require lots of study in science....well I want to go to college to succeed not to fail mid-way through the journey and have to pick a new major. Physical Therapy is one more year, a doctorate, and makes more money. Kathleen if you are short on cash, I am very sorry that I did not go for Physical Therapy but at this time it does not appeal to me as much. I feel confident that I CAN become a Occupational Therapist, I cannot picture myself as a Physical Therapist.
I am thinking of working with infants (preemies) and or with war veterans....that is what I want to do. Either to help mother feed there preemies without choking them or to give back to my country and help those who fight for me.

Now I do not know where I will be in thirteen years. I do not know what my situation will be, but please understand that right now, I feel like I am under a lot of pressure, and I do not handle stress well.
Schools I am thinking of are
Stockton, Ithaca, Scranton, USP, IUP, Miseracordia, Ramapo, Rutgers, Penn State, ElizabethTown, and U of St. Augustine.

I hope all is well, and I hope you are happy and successful
Remember when you wanted to hike the Appalachian Trail?

Love 17 year-old Kathleen

My Parents part 2: My mother

After my parents's wedding, my mom got her wedding dress dry cleaned and packed up in an air tight box. She always kept this box under her bed and of course, twelve years later, her curious daughter would find it. When I was little I asked my mom to open the box so I could see her wedding dress, of course she told me no, since she didn't want it to get ruined. So I asked her, when I turned sixteen would she open it up? and she agreed. Last year, two months after turning sixteen, I remembered her promise so we marched upstairs and pulled the box from under her bed. She had been very thin in her twenties and being 1-3 inches shorter than both her daughters.....none of us could fit back into it. But still it was cool looking at the life my mom had before she had us. That beautiful dress was a style of a different time...(oh the eighties).....but I really appreciated looking at her dress. I really appreciated my mom taking her wedding dress out of the protective box to show me.

I hope to one day do the same for my daughter(s)
when they are sixteen, to show them my wedding dress in person
your daughters might feel the sameStay happy and healthy,
-Kathleen

My Parents part 1: My Mother

My mom grew up in Pittsburgh, Pa with separated parents.
My grandmother who was the youngest of 13 children, dropped out of high school to help support the family so, when she split with my grandfather she had to work in factories and low-skilled jobs to try to make ends meet. She never drove, so my mother had to walk everywhere or take the bus. She missed out on many many opportunities and parties as a child because my grandmother didn't drive.
Now I love my mother very much, and appreciate everything she has done for me, but her childhood has left her bitter.
So whenever I ask her to pick up my friends, or take them home she sighs and it goes a little like this....
This is unfair, they need to pull their weight, how come their parents aren't coming to pick you up etc...
And this leaves me....feeling guilty
I feel bad whenever I ask her to take me anywhere, and when I have to pick up a friend. I don't know if my friends's parents just don't feel like driving their kids, or if they honesty can't get a ride. And quite frankly, when my friends's don't get a ride with someone else, they don't go...which also hurts me because I don't get to hang out with them. Is this a matter of pulling one's weight?

But also whenever I call my mom to pick me up somewhere, and she has to wait for me to get out....I always end up getting yelled at.
And it goes like this....
How come I'm the only parent that ever has to waitt, other kids wait for their parents. What took you so long? Do you know I've been waiting out here for X amount of minutes? I could be folding landry, or cooking dinner, I don't have time for this!

Now I love my mother very much. And I know I must be at least a little spoiled...but a big part of me is just so glad that I have my liscense now, and really really wishes that I had a car. Not for the sake of having a car, but so I can be independent...and not have to ask for my mom to take me all over. I tend to be stir crazy, so I get depressed whenever I stay in the house all day long. And take it out on her all the time, to take me somewhere.

But whenever my friends want to get together and they ask me for a ride, I get this knot at the bottom of my stomach, because I'll have to ask my mom for a favor....
and I know she'll ask, "why can't their parents take them?"

Prom Dress Mania!

So, the other day my friends and I went to the mall to hang out. And there were some summer prom dress sales at the store DEB....so we tried some on, because who is it going to hurt? But then when I came out in a white poofy prom dress and my friends absolutely died I knew I was in trouble. They started drooling, telling me how pretty I looked in it, and how it was made for me. BUT it was white. And I knew from last year that my mom does not want me wearing white until my wedding day. So I passed up the $30 dollar dress (yes it was that cheap), but I took a picture of it.

When I got home I showed my mom, dad, and grandma the dress and they all seemed to like it...and it being white didn't seem to bother them. Getting such a good response from my family left me with regret. How could I pass up that dress? I thought about that dress for the following week until I went back to the mall with my mom and sister. I went looking for the dress, expecting not to find it, but when I did I tried it on for them. (Part of me didn't want to find it just in case I became conflicted). The second time I tried it on, was different. The body seemed a little to big and I worried about the length and it had a small rip (which I could sow on my own). But as it turns out, the dress was on a final sale for $13. I talked about it with my mom and told her how unsure I was about buying this dress, but she said that since it was so cheap why not? After all I could always sell the dress online for like $30 and make a little profit.



I absolutely love it!!! However....


Is it weird to wear white to prom?
What if it looks too much like a wedding dress?
Will it look too cheap?
because I really really liked my prom dress last year!
and I feel like I have to get an even better dress for this year!

But I have ten months to think it over, and who knows? By next spring I might not mind the wedding look to it (I could always dress it up with red or black accessories).

Stay well and un-conflicted

-Kathleen :)

Stress in the Summer?

I have found over the past year that one way to reduce stress is to talk about it. Now I know it seems obvious, but I don't like to burden other people with my thoughts...and I don't handle school stress too well.

Here I am, on August 4th at 4:53 with a knot in the bottom of my stomach because I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am scheduled to take AP Calculus for my senior year of high school, with this class is a summer math project due August 6th....
now one reason why I didn't start the project was because I had been planning to switch out of the class anyways...but I didn't e-mail my conseulor until three days ago, and she hasn't e-mailed me back.

So do I go ahead and do the project? (That is the option I don't want to do, probably because it is the hardest)
Or not do it? Because I want to switch out of the class....partially because I will not take the AP test. But should I? Will it help me prepare for college?
But what if I can't switch out? Not doing the project will have a severe impact on my grade. And what if I'm not challenging myself hard enough? What if I could do it? And taking the easy route will some how blow up in my face later down the road? Like taking the easier math class will inhibit me from getting into college, a good college, or a college program that I want?


See what I mean? Summer stress...
I never had this stress back oh say in the second grade...because I didn't care about school. Maybe this stress is my way of caring?!

Recent Books

I have recently come across two books that I absolutely love....The Help by Kathryn Stockett and Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe.
I can't put The Help down and as a mandatory book, Things Fall Apart isn't half bad.
I am about halfway through each of these novels and so far love the story plots/
The Help is narrated by three women stuck in the midst of the 1950's. Taking place in the south, these women talk about their experiences of racial tension during the Civil Rights movement.
Things Fall Apart takes place in a traditional village in Nigeria. What I find so fascinating is this African culture. This book gives a first hand look into traditional Nigerian culture, that I wouldn't be able to learn about or experience anywhere else.

I feel that the summer gives us the motivation and the curiosity to find new books to read, and finish those books that we never got around to.

I never got to finish
Wuthering Heights
The Whistling Season
The Mayor of Casterbridge
and I can't wait to start
As I Lay Dying
and
the second novel to SouthBound, Walking Home which is the return trip of two sisters nicknamed the 'Barefoot Sisters'. On the famous Appalachian Trail.

Have a safe and heathly week
-Kathleen